


The impossible Ron

by RedRonja



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Harry Potter bored Voldemort to death, Humor, Parody, Ron is a magical creature, Ron is kind of possessive, crackfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27987093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedRonja/pseuds/RedRonja
Summary: Due to several magical ancestors, Ron becomes a magical being. Unfortunately he couldn't just become a Veela, or a house-elf, no, Ron's a phantom!
Kudos: 1





	1. Family conference

**Author's Note:**

> I am not a english speaker, so when you find a Failure you can go on, or give me a Hand as Beta, or Translator :)

Everything should be fine after defeating Voldemort. After Harry had found an absolutely unconventional way of eliminating the Dark Lord and Horcruxes, and the Death Eaters had been disposed of, by the Ministry (The room with the curtain was at times busier, than Kings Cross Station, Azkaban was no longer wanted left) life went on.

So also with the Weasleys. However, this summer turned out differently, than Ron had imagined. As soon as he got home from the Hogwarts Express, a family conference was held especially for him. There he was told, that several signs he had shown since his birthday in March, had established that his magical inheritance had awakened. Yes, the Weasley family had magical beings in their tree, no, no one knew which ones anymore. Some ancestors had enjoyed themselves across the board, and every generation has had a surprise egg since then. And he was one of those, congratulations.

He would find out exactly what he was this summer. Basically, he should expect everything, except the beings that transformed on their birthday, so Veela fell away. In addition, from now on, he had to pay attention to his diet, because conclusions could also be drawn from it. Should he start grazing in the garden, they could rule out werewolf and see if he wasn't a centaur.

Ron was deterred enough, but the strategist ran away with him and asked about the worst case scenario. That was answered with silence and the famous you-don't-want-to-know look.


	2. Karma

Two weeks later, Ron was about to strangle all of humanity. When he'd sent Harry an informative letter, a piece of Paper came back, with just one sentence on it: That must be Karma.

Hermione had read the Sentence and hadn't stopped laughing all Day. The Twins served him a different breakfast every day, with very exotic ingredients. They had recently added a coal bricket to see if he was an Troll. Allegedly, Ore trolls were really into coal and used them during mating.

What really worried Ron, however, was his constant frenzy. He had seriously spent a full day cuddling and hugging the entire family. When Hermione came tothe Burrow, he hissed at her for coming to his turf, and then dragged her to a safe corner, after casting a paralyzing spell on her. And then he visited Harry.

Stupidly, the Dursleys didn't approve of it, so he turned them all into frogs. Really! He had to NOW! talk to Harry. Harry threw an astonished look at the disgruntled Frogs in the Living room and invited Ron to Tea.

"So Ron, what makes you come to me, on this beautiful day?"  
Ron took a deep breath and asked: "What did you mean, by karma? Harry, we have no future like this, I wanted you to comfort me! And what is Hermione doing in my turf?"

"Well, I meant that you really wanted attention, and that you were always jealous of me. I recently found my mental balance and am currently intensively devoting myself to my enlightenment, but in my free time I still have enough light for you, I can only advise you to get help from the local Potions Master. One of the reasons Hermione comes to your Turf is because she needs encouragement. She want to find Joy and to laugh about you, helps with that."

Ron eyed his friend, who actually looked relaxed, for having recently bored his archenemy to death. The magical world had been amazed, at how little bloodshed there had been. Harry, a Time turner and a thousand esoteric Books - in the end the Dark Lord was no longer an issue.  
Ron decided to visit Severus Snape for his own good, but before leaving he turned the Dursley Living Room into a Frog habitat.


	3. The Extra Chapter - Defeating Voldemort

The Extra Chapter - Defeating Voldemort

Harry was trapped in a deep life crisis. The whole magical world was mean to him, his best friend was jealous of him, an annoying reporter stalked him, and Umbridge thought it was funny to magically torture him. Fourth and fifth years hadn't been funny and Sirius lived, but not very comfortably. Now in the vacation before sixth grade, Harry was fed up with it.

With this zero-minded attitude, he entered the main London library, and just minutes later, he was in a very special department with a reading that only addressed a very specific target group - the esotericists.

He hardly noticed how time passed, so absorbed was he in the practical readings on angel symbols and their meaning on prophecy. Then the mom and pop, out-of-body experiences, story collection and in between everything about Nostradamus yoga exercises.

Very thoughtful, he went home again. He hadn't found the answer to what he was looking for yet, but something completely different to replace it. That evening, Dudley was amazed that Harry, despite his intense bullying, remained completely calm. The poor obese boy almost started crying.

Harry lost himself completely in esotericism, devoured everything from A for Amidabuddha to Z for Zen, looked for prophecies and how they had come true, read everything about the secret life of trees, or explored the path to the true adept.

He woke up one morning and knew what to do. He visited Hermione, put her under Imperio, and had her get another time turner for the next school year. No one suspected the hard work she had shown in her third year of school and she got what he really needed without any problems. After paralyzing Hermione with a forgetting spell, he copied the artifact several times and asked the dark lord through their connection to meet him and duel to the death.

Of course, he had trapped the place of the meeting beforehand. When Voldemort showed up, of course with an army of Death Eaters, drooling with laughter and anticipation, the Death Eaters were glued to the ground and the dark lord was carried away with a portkey.

Voldemort had expected everything, except that he was suddenly handcuffed to a chair in a brightly lit room full of books. A room without doors, mind you. Harry stood in front of him and quoted the very personal prophecy of them, and that he had finally come up with a way to fulfill it. The two of them would sit in this timeless room full of esotericism and let themself be read, and whoever died first had lost. The magic that lay in the room would read them every single one of the more than a thousand books. They would not age through the effect of the time turner, but could be enlightened by esotericism for all eternity.

The following time was not easy for the dark lord. While Harry was visibly enjoying the wisdom of Confucius, the Dark Lord died at least once, or twice. At some point, he admitted himself, that it was because of his Horcruxes. But obviously, he had more than two, so it would take longer. The room read across the Wiccan wisdom, when the Lord gave up the spoon one more time. Harry found it quite exciting, and he couldn't see why it was so boring for the dark lord.

At some point, between an exciting lecture on numerological dream interpretation, and the importance of the inner child on outer Feng Shui, Harry then realized that Voldemort had probably been bored to death for good. Harry regretted that he couldn't listen to more, he would have loved to know more about the I Ching, but so he took the dead lord, delivered it to the Ministry, and made sure the dead man was thrown through the curtain.

He had left the reading room as it was, so that he could listen in from time to time.


End file.
